ALCOHOLISM BREAKS HEARTS

July 26, 2024 ~ Sue Brown ~ 1 Comment

Alcohol has played a major role in my life. I personally do not suffer from alcohol abuse, but people I love and care for do. So many of us have (or had) a family member, friend, or colleague who currently is suffering from an addiction to a controlled substance. It affects everyone with whom they come in contact. I grew up in a household where alcohol was abused on a daily basis. Seemingly, it clouded the judgement of the people who were supposed to be loving and nurturing me. The actions of physical and verbal abuse were easier to accomplish when the responsible parties were intoxicated. “I didn’t know what was going on!” “I don’t remember; I was drunk.” Whatever. It happened a long time ago and the “why” is just not important now. In reality, I’ve never been angry, but rather sad for those involved. It could have been so much different for them.

For many years, I have believed that a person “chooses” to be an alcoholic. I certainly have had that gene present in me and it would have been easier each and every time that my own life’s tests and personal challenges got too overbearing or too difficult to succumb to the numbing affect of alcohol. After all, I would have an excuse; “It’s how I grew up,” and everyone would shake their head and say what a shame it was. However, because that’s all I knew and I saw each “parent” screw up his/her life for different reasons, I chose not to drink to become numb to reality. I chose not to abuse myself . That’s how I’ve come to view dependency on drugs and alcohol… personal abuse.

Now, after many years, I am still wondering if it is a choice… or is it an illness? Certainly, there are enough articles and studies to say that it might be an illness. However, it is undeniably odd that it just seems to make “sick” those who are prone to not taking responsibility for their own actions in life. Harsh, but true.

I will assume for arguments sake, that it is an “illness.” Well, if one had a cold, broke a leg, or had Cancer… they would seek professional treatment, right? I do not see this happening with most alcoholics. My family knew what they had to do to “heal” but chose not to stop. Ever! Actually, they would boast about their drinking. My mother died at 59 from liver cancer that spread to her brain… from being an alcoholic. She was angry and unhappy until her last breath. So much for the alcohol. Did she drink to forget or forget when she drank? I was afraid to ask.

Again, in my own life, I am experiencing someone who choses to drink rather than face up to the challenges and setbacks they are dealt. (There are so many of us who have friends or relatives with some extent of addictions to drugs or alcohol.) The term gut-wrenching comes to mind; it’s how it feels inside of me as I watch them destroy their life. It appears to be what they are actually choosing for themselves or why don’t they stop?

When a person drinks their entire personality changes. Under the influence or high one says and does things that they might ordinarily not do. Everyone! They become empowered… or so they think. Their actions are destructive, disrespectful, and deeply hurtful to anyone and everyone they come in contact with during this “high.” The apologies afterward, although sincerely given, are soon forgotten. Forgotten by them, but still painful to the receiver who undoubtedly will remember forever.

My constant Mantra is that life is not easy, it’s not supposed to be. For all those selfishly reeking havoc on families and loved ones because of excessive drinking or drug abuse…we love you and are worried about you. Actually, you are slowly but surely taking your own life. Seek medical attention, just like you would if you had any other illness. You can do it if you believe that you can. It’s hard, it’s not a quick fix, and it can’t be done on your own. Again, I’ve been there and seen it fail. The first test or challenge the “crutch” resurfaces for support and the abuser is right back where they started.

On the other side of the substance abuse– the world is waiting. Your gift is LIFE. Right now, it’s just existing not living.

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF …

July 12, 2024 ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, I feel frustrated and confused in life and have a day or two where I’m blue. Luckily, it is rather short lived, but I was in one of those spaces until yesterday. When I least expected it, there was God’s reminder of my own Blessings. I had been focusing only on my tests as of late. I call these my selfish times and they remind me to be more humble and accept my tests.

I first saw the homeless man, when I pulled into the parking lot of a large super-store…O.K…WalMart. I have never spent one night without a roof of some sort over my head. He was not standing visibly out in the open, where he could be easily seen, but rather off to the side. He sat on a wooden bench that almost seemed out of place near the large lot…but there he was.

At first, it struck me odd that he was not standing closer to where all the cars were coming in. I was not sure why he had even caught my eye at all, on his remote bench, as the parking lot was busy and I was being cautious. It was the first day in almost a month where the temperature and sun seemed to be in harmony and maybe he was enjoying it.

The man was holding a small sign, which eventually caught my attention; it said nothing more than HOMELESS. He held it very low on his lap. Perhap, he was worried about Security or local police chasing him away. It was then I decided to buy him some food and give it to him as I was leaving the parking lot. Inside I picked up a few prepackaged sandwiches and drinks, got my own toiletry items, and headed back out to my car. From where I had parked, I couldn’t see him any longer. Maybe he had left. When I got closer, I could see that he was still seated in the same spot…in the same position, holding the sign in his lap.

I wondered what I would say to this man. It was difficult to tell how old he was; he was so dirty. His ragged sweatshirt was torn and the soles were pulling off his sneakers, I could see that as I proceeded towards him. He spit onto the pavement in front of him with huge racking coughs and held up his hand not to come any closer. “I have a bad cold,” were his first raspy words. “I’ve been sleeping in the woods.” My bag of food seemed inadequate, but I handed it to him anyway. I hadn’t seen a full grown man quite that thin in a long time. His blue eyes were direct and he didn’t look away, but stared right at me.

Most of his front teeth were missing or badly decayed. He held such sadness in his eyes, that I involuntarily choked up. We chatted back and forth for a bit. I’m not sure why, because he was totally sober, I asked if he would stop drinking and he hesitated… then nodded agreement. When he mentioned he had just been into WalMart checking out the cough/cold medicine and then rattled off the price.. .I knew he was telling the truth about not feeling well.

If I had only stopped and asked him what he needed on the way in, I could have gotten that for him while I was in there, but I hadn’t been that insightful. It also occurred to me that maybe he was completely conning me. I do succumb to that. For some reason, he still struck me as sincere. I noticed a still burning cigarette on the ground next to the bench and asked him to try and stop smoking too.

My own brazenness amazed me! Who did I think I was asking this total stranger to stop drinking and smoking? Again, he nodded agreement. He acknowledged that the soft drink would feel good on his throat, but he didn’t know how much of the sandwich he could eat. I merely asked him that he “try” and felt compelled to mention how thin he was and that he needed to take better care of himself.

As I turned to leave, he called out to me softly. “Thank you for calling me Sir,” he said to me. My throat tightened. “God Bless you, Miss,” he said. “No, may He bless you,” was all I could utter in reply. They were the most sincere words I had said all week. As I waited to pull out of the parking lot, I gave a final glance in my rear view mirror. The man was eagerly tearing open the cellophane on the roast beef sandwich.

And all of a sudden…I got it! There, but for the Grace of God…go I!

Please all, during these very trying times, let us focus on EVERYONE who already have been given their share of Tests and Challenges.

And Here We Go Again…

March 14, 2024 ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

I am wondering, actually suggesting, strongly, that what … ceases for the rest of the political season IS CONTEMPT. The Oxford English Dictionary defines “contempt” as “the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.” We will see for ourselves if either, ( yes, I did say “either”) Party’s Candidate for the President of the United States follows my suggestion. Hmmm. I should call them.

It is ultimately derived from the Latin word contemptus which means “to scorn or despise.” As ONE PEOPLE we seem to be doing this quite frequently and more so each day. We actually have contempt of another! It matters little whether it is politics (Dems vs Rep), among races (Black vs White), nationalities (Americans vs China)… it just goes on and on ad nauseam. Enough already!

I still get a kick out of my old-school Latin and how often our Modern Society defers to it. As written in The New York Times, contempt is not the same thing as strongly disagreeing with someone. Not only are strong disagreements inevitable, but “Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, and find the truth.” It also leads to common understanding and new ideas. The problem isn’t that we disagree; it’s how we disagree. Increasingly, disagreements today are characterized by a “noxious brew of anger and disgust,” which is directed not only at bad ideas, but also at the people who espouse them. Mmmm…This goes beyond incivility and it’s just plain rudeness.

It even goes beyond intolerance. It’s the conviction that while your side “is driven by benevolence,” the other side “is evil and motivated by hatred.” Who does this help? No one! You can probably think of several examples of contempt recently directed at Christians and Minorities. So can I. However, to paraphrase the First Letter of John, if we say that we are free of contempt, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

That’s worth a long thought.

These are the mechanisms and media trends for modern propaganda and word peddlers. They are folks who “profit from the culture of contempt.” They pump up the outrage in our country and you can almost hear the ego rise with every page view and “like.” Of course, this isn’t easy when so much is at stake in our culture. Right now, so much IS at stake! At times, it feels as if we don’t even have an “AMERICA.”

Come on Political Parties, “Put your big boy pants on” and play fair! It’s only the U.S. or “us” at stake; it’s never been a “you” thing. Ever!

COME ON POLITICAL PARTIES… WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH CONTEMPT; no one is guilt free here!

Featured ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

That’s worth a long thought.

Come on Political Parties, “Put your big boy pants on” and play fair! It’s only the U.S. or “us” at stake; it’s never been a “you” thing. Ever!

September 13, 2023 ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

Be Tough; Be Strong; Don’t Be Played!

Children are America’s Greatest Resource!

It’s Back to School time all across the U.S. I worry about the “kids” more today than ever before. Over my years within the classroom, I witnessed the students experimenting and trying new things at a younger and younger age. As my teaching discipline was high school/college English… it is fair to say over twenty years I “taught it all” …and… “taught all of them!” Because of that saw young people aka teenagers in a natural light… away from home and with peers. Many of them are still “children” inside, but with pressures from Society and friends, they try to come across as adults… both in their words and actions.

I was lucky enough to be one of the trusted “real” adults that the students sought out for advice and guidance. It is fair to say that I offered it freely. It is clear to me that although adults like to say and think that things were the same when we were their age... it’s not even close to the same. We had issues and concerns, yes, but not the drama (their word not mine) which is clearly a part of the modern teens’ culture. A parent, teacher, or guardian who is not aware that frequent drinking, readily available drugs, and early, early, early sex are the NORM with high schoolers (and even younger) and not the exception… are fooling themselves and at the same time doing a dis-service to their teen.

Kids, even the good ones, test the boundaries. Do not be naive.

Over the decades, I taught in three different states in different parts of the country. I taught in the suburbs and I taught inner-city. There were times the students were well-off financially and there were times that almost all of them qualified for free-lunch. They were all skin colors, many different nationalities and yet every one of them was the same. I believe that to my core.

Here’s the universal sameness :
Children/teens need and expect boundaries!
Children/ teens need and hope for guidance!
Children/teens need consequences when they violate those boundaries!
Children/teens need positive role models not buddies!
Children/ teens need you to actively ask them the hard questions and then not believe the easy answers…because it’s easier for you!
Children/teens are not adults…they just pretend that they are!
BUT children and teens do ALL the things adults do and…
they are still not ready.
They still have so much to learn in school… and in life.

May we all take a more active role in young lives;they are our legacy.

Let us not be their “friends” or negative influencers in their lives. RATHER: Be tough and be a role model.

The love they “show, “well, I believe that’s REAL RESPECT

Contempt is never the answer

July 26, 2023July 26, 2023 ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “contempt” as “the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.” It is ultimately derived from the Latin word contemptus which means “to scorn or despise.” As ONE PEOPLE we seem to be doing this quite frequently and more so each day. We actually have contempt of another! It matters little whether it is politics (Dems vs Rep), among races (Black vs White), nationalities (Americans vs China)… it just goes on and on ad nauseam. Enough already!

I still get a kick out of my old-school Latin and how often our Modern Society defers to it. As written in The New York Times, contempt is not the same thing as strongly disagreeing with someone. Not only are strong disagreements inevitable, but “Disagreement helps us innovate, improve, and find the truth.” It also leads to common understanding and new ideas. The problem isn’t that we disagree; it’s how we disagree. Increasingly, disagreements today are characterized by a “noxious brew of anger and disgust,” which is directed not only at bad ideas, but also at the people who espouse them. Mmmm… This goes beyond incivility and it’s just plain rudeness.

It even goes beyond intolerance. It’s the conviction that while your side “is driven by benevolence,” the other side “is evil and motivated by hatred.” Who does this help? No one! You can probably think of several examples of contempt recently directed at other religions and cultures.. So can I. However, to paraphrase the First Letter of John, if we say that we are free of contempt, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. That’s worth a long thought.

Can we honestly say that we never think of our opponents, in any area, as: not quite as informed, educated, or forward thinking as we are? Do we always strive to be “greater than thou” with people while we criticize their ideas? The fact that we ourselves are often unjustly maligned… isn’t a reason to reciprocate in kind. In the case of contempt for our opponents, things like social media, cable news, and political websites can be such occasions. These are the mechanisms and media for modern propaganda and word peddlers. They are folks who profit from the culture of contempt.

Contempt is not the same thing as strongly disagreeing with someone. Not only are strong disagreements inevitable, but disagreement helps us innovate, improve, and find the truth.” It also leads to common understanding and new ideas.The problem isn’t that we disagree; it’s how we disagree. Increasingly, disagreements today are characterized by a “noxious brew of anger and disgust,” which is directed not only at bad ideas, but also at the people who espouse them. Mmmm…This goes beyond incivility and rudeness.

It’s the conviction that while your side “is driven by benevolence,” the other side “is evil and motivated by hatred.” Who does this help? No one!? Do we always strive to be “greater than thou” with people while we criticize their ideas? The fact that we ourselves are often unjustly maligned… isn’t a reason to reciprocate in kind.

PERSONAL INDEPENDENCE!

Featured ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

Each new day, we all have the chance to start over.

That’s a powerful thought! Most days, we let that opportunity slip by. Imagine the freedom of actually wiping the slate clean of all the negatives in our lives and instead focusing only on the positives in our lives. It’s a powerful and liberating realization and a gift from our Creator.

This opportunity is offered to all men …everywhere. It makes us connected in a very basic way. Sometimes, this “gift” is forgotten or dismissed. Yet, it might be the most meaningful thing we receive. It is often difficult to unwrap a new beginning and start fresh because it brings memories and situations that might be painful and scary. We all struggle with the unknown.

Maybe a loved one has died or has been diagnosed with an illness. We might even be the one who is ill and we feel frightened and alone. Perhaps, we have lost a job or our home and we are uncertain of our family’s security. Sometimes, there is Military Deployment in the family or one is coming up and we worry constantly. Or occasionally, our burden is a wrong that was done to us over the last year, or many, many years ago or perhaps, it’s something we did to another person and we are now shouldering the guilt of our actions. Real situations; real life!

Here’s the amazing part. It is virtually impossible not to find something good in even the most challenging of situations. It’s difficult to see sometimes, but it’s always there. My own personal belief is that we can not control what is done to us, our individual tests and challenges by others, Nature, and our God, but we always have a choice in how we react to those tests and challenges.

It appears as basic as acceptance of the things we can not change and a quiet determination to rise above our adversities as a stronger and wiser person. It is also our opportunity to act both honorably and responsibly not only for ourselves but for others while we find our way. Very simply, it’s Integrity… or doing the right thing regardless of the outcome. Sometimes it is difficult, but we can accomplish it.

Choice is what separates humans from other mammals; that’s empowering. Even if we personally fail in one test or challenge…a new one will come along in which we get to choose all over again. Maybe, it’s so we finally get it correct. Life, as given, isn’t easy. Often, we do not like the apparent choices as they are presented to us and sometimes, they seem unfair, but they are choices nonetheless.

With each and every positive choice we make for ourselves and towards others, we further define who we are as Human Beings and make the world a better place. Every day we are given this opportunity to perfect ourselves. It is an absolutely liberating thought and practice. We are not defined by what has been done to us in the past, but instead we are what we have chosen to do for ourselves… both now and in the future.

What is amazing about our time here on Earth is that with each positive action we choose, we have the opportunity to leave our own Human Footprint in time.

Let this be the time that our lives aren’t so much about what we have…or what we’ve lost, but rather what we’ve given and therefore found.

Sue

PERSONAL INDEPENDENCE for ALL

July 1, 2023 ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

Each new day, we all have the chance to start over.

What is amazing about our time here on Earth is that with each positive action we choose, we have the opportunity to leave our own Human Footprint in time.

Let this be the time that our lives aren’t so much about what we have…or what we’ve lost, but rather what we’ve given and therefore found.

Sue

NOT EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL… RIGHT?

Featured ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

New Year; new choices, new attitudes!

January 11, 2021

The reason everyone is wished a “Happy” New Year is quite special. It is because we hopefully grasp the simplicity of the concept that in the new year, as opposed to the old one, we can all literally wipe our lives clean of all the negatives… and start fresh. The new year can be one of personal change and growth. How amazing is that?

The wonderful thing about being human is that all of us have the power of “choice.”This applies to everything in our lives, basically from the moment we enter adulthood. Before that time we live under the dictates of adult “supervision.” To hold another accountable for either the good and/or bad in our own lives is ridiculous. It is also disrespectful to our Creator. In my writings over the past two decades, I have never professed to have all the answers, but I do have a great deal of human interaction, experience, and an academic background that speaks for itself.

I share my own insight and path in hopes that it helps others too. It has by the huge amounts of positive feedback I get at lectures, in person, and via email. However, we all have the right to CHOOSE our own path. I have never had all the answers and never will.

Think of it! We can choose how we live our lives and be in full control of the decisions we make each and every day. Each sunrise we are offered a brand new opportunity to start over with our choices. Each new year, we also get to start over! No one can make us stop being in another’s life; there must be a reason(s) and it is based on personal choice. No one can force us to eat or drink too much unless we want to; it’s our choice. No one can make us good, productive people. It is also, our choice.

Likewise, no one can make us whole, happy, and a contributor to the lives of others. We must find that path ourselves. With this gift of CHOICE comes great responsibility. It is true…no one knows what goes on in another’s life. That goes in both directions. May we all choose the higher ground for this clean, unblemished year.

Happy New Year! May we all live it well

THE GREATEST GIFT… EVER!

Featured ~ Sue Brown ~ Leave a comment

Last year, this particular piece was read by thousands and thousands of readers . It was published a few weeks before Christmas. The emails that I received were so heartfelt and touching. I find that this year, 2020, it is more important than ever. Even writing this opening, I tear up.

It seems that we often get caught up in the dynamics of everyday living; so, we forget that the simplest gifts and kindnesses, during the holiday season, are the ones most appreciated and or remembered by others. This year, in the aftermath of “protests” following the 2020 Election … followed by riots in Missouri, New York, and California et. al. regarding basic differences among how we view decisions in Life, Race, Political views and Ethnicity… it seems this piece might be relevant more now than before. So, it is with sincere gratitude I offer it again.

I grew up in New York State and then taught high school/college for the majority of my teaching career in New Jersey and then… Charleston, S.C. I had read an ad in a prominent northeastern newspaper that read: ” Teach in one of America’s most beautiful cities, the unteachable, the unreachable.” My blood ran cold.

The northeastern geographic area, I believe, helped mold me for the challenges/ tests of teaching. I speak softly, but carry a very big stick. Hurting others is never o.k., but giving of oneself … even if it’s done with NY/NJ attitude… is the norm. There have been many requests to “repost” this particular Blog. As we leap full force into the holiday preparations and festivities, let us all strive to love and do unto others in thought, word, and deed… not just in physical gifts. Please, please enjoy and Blessings to all!

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Christmas is for love. It is for joy, for giving and sharing, for laughter, for reuniting with family and friends, for tinsel and brightly decorated packages. But mostly, Christmas is for love. I lose sight of this, sometimes. We all do. Before I left teaching , one of my students… a student with wide, innocent eyes and a soft, gentle laugh gave me a wondrous gift for Christmas. Jamal, (I will call him that), was a fourteen year old student who lived with his aunt, a very bitter woman, greatly annoyed with the burden of caring for her dead sister’s son. She never failed to remind Jamal , if it hadn’t been for her generosity, he would be homeless . Still, with all the scolding and abuse at home, he was a sweet and gentle young man.

I had not paid any singular attention to Jamal, until he began staying after school each day (at the risk of arousing his aunt’s anger, I later found out) to help me straighten up the room. We did this quietly and comfortably, not speaking much, but enjoying the solitude of that hour of the day. When we did talk, Jamal spoke to me mostly of his mother. Though he had been quite young when she died, he remembered a kind, gentle, loving woman, who always spent time with him.

As Christmas drew near however, Jamal failed to stay after school with me. It was clear to me that I had looked forward to his coming after school. When many days passed and he still continued to leave hurriedly from the room, at the end of class, I stopped him in the hall one afternoon. I merely asked him why he no longer helped me in the classroom.

I told him how I had missed him, and his large, brown eyes lit up eagerly as he replied, “Did you really miss me?” I explained that he had been my “best helper” … ever! “I am making you a surprise,” he whispered confidentially. “It’s for Christmas.” With that, he became embarrassed and dashed from my classroom door. He didn’t stay after school anymore … continuing to rush out of my room, each time he had class with me.

Finally, came the last school day before Christmas Vacation. Jamal crept slowly into the room, late that afternoon, after the buses had already left. He had his hands concealing something behind his back. “I have your present,” he said shyly… when I looked up. “I hope you like it.” He held out his hands and there lying in his large palms was a tiny, wooden box. “It’s beautiful, Jamal. Is there something in it that I should see?” I asked, opening the top to look inside.

“Oh, you can’t see what’s in it,” he replied, “and you can’t touch it, or taste it, or feel it, but it will make you feel good all the time. It will make you safe, ’cause you said you live all alone… and I worry about you.” At the time, I was single.

I gazed into the empty box. “What is it, Jamal,” I asked gently, “that will make me feel so good?” “It’s love,” he whispered softly, “and my mother always said it’s best when you give it away.” He turned and quietly left my room.

Since then, I have kept a small box, that is made of scraps of wood on a table in my living room and only smile as inquiring friends raise quizzical eyebrows… when I explain to them that… there is love in it.

Thank you, Jamal; I have never forgotten you.